A Memory I'd Like to Relive

Yes, I am a horrendously spotty participator in Blogtember, thanks for noticing.  Besides that,  I'm bringing you a story about a memory that I would love to relive, given the chance.

This was our third date.  And I didn't blog back then so I wasn't as dedicated to photo documentation, so sorry about this no pictures situation.  But it was our third date.  He picked me up and took me to a little place called the Frenchman's Inn.  He was so very cute and very boy-like when he told me to wear whatever I wanted, it didn't matter.  A go ahead for jeans.  Upon arrival then, I realized that the place was actually quite fancy.  Guys, ya know.

Moving on.

So we walk into the restaurant and there are maybe 15 tables total and only three are being used after we take our seats.  Where there is a single rose at my setting.  Long stem too, if you believe such things.  And a bottle of wine chilling by the table.  Which, turns out, N had dropped off just before.  Yes, he went and made sure everything was set up all in secret.  That catch!

I'm not so much a fancy person as I am an american food enthusiast so I had never tried anything they served.  These taste buds, not so refined.  But I decided on a delicious sounding chicken in wine dish (when in doubt, wine!) and N talked me into trying a vegetable I didn't really trust.  But you do those questionable things when the boy is really cute.

And so we talked endlessly.  And smiled like we were falling in love.  Over wine.  And that rose.  Over candlelight.  Over us.  Over dessert.  Over nothing at all (because those guys were super quick with our plates!).

And my oh my if it wasn't the most romantic date I had ever been on.  He knew it too, that stinker.

So there are times that I would love to relive for their inspiration, spontaneity, or  hilarity.  There are those things.  But this thing was for new love and that fun feeling of being swept off my feet.  For that little inkling that started creeping up on me: is this my Sam?*

And this is us just last summer in San Antonio.  Proof that his fancy wooing won me over.  Gahhh.

* Have I never addressed this?  Okay.  My Sam.  Any Sleepless in Seattle Fans out there?  Ya, I thought so! That right there, is my movie.  This would also be a grand time to point out that this theory also applies to Ghost.  #hopelessromanticforlife

Have a great Tuesday!

A Prompt and Plans

Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.

This prompt really came at a good time.  I have had this post just sitting in my drafts for a while because it makes me a little nervous.  This is a little more personal that I usually post but I read something the other day that mentioned the good in posting things you're a little afraid of.  And considering my personality from yesterday's post, this is a rather large step for me.

This life turn is a little broader, I think, it is about a span of a year or so in which my life took a turn, but there was a distinct moment when I realized it.

Also, I have apparently wrote you a novel...

See, I was a model student from kindergarten to senior year.  I did some extra-curriculars, going to class wasn't hard, and things made more since than I knew how to handle.  I floated through life easily, no thoughts to the contrary.

In college things started out this way.  Things were good, progressing.  I was on my own!  It was wonderful and liberating.  It was everything that it should be.  And then, a few years in, things changed.  My distinct moment was sitting in a class and just thinking that I could not be there.  Couldn't stand to be there one minute longer.  Didn't fit there.  I left the class in a moment of flurried confusion and from then on out it was a hard fought battle between me and school and the anxiety I felt about nothing in particular.  Everything in particular.  That was the worst part.  It was just there, rooted in nothing.  Looming.  Attached to nothing but ever present.

I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do.  Irresponsible.  I wasn't doing good in school.  Dumb.  I didn't feel like leaving the house.  Lazy.  Those words were sharp.

And here was the problem: identity crisis!  My whole life I grew up a certain way.  I grew up straight.  No hiccups.  I just didn't have any bumps along the way, ya know? I was the child who my parents expected the most out of.  Im not trying to be whatever, it's just true.  I was the book smart, overly cautious, (mostly), responsible to a fault, child.

And then I went to college.  You go out in all your innocent glory and you laugh and study and find your happy self and walk gracefully out the other side, four years later, ready to take the world on.  That's the norm and that was me.  And that wasn't plan A, that was just the plan.  Because why would you need a plan B when you have life planned out.  And it's never been hard before.

You know, when you are you for your whole life, you get tunnel vision.  

This is you.  And that isn't you.  

But you're looking in the mirror and seeing yourself, and you're sure its you, because you'd recognize that face anywhere.  

And you're feeling the feelings and seeing yourself and you crumble just a bit because its coming together, is all.

What's hard is that things didn't feel like mine anymore.  For a while, I didn't feel like mine anymore. I knew who I had been and I could see who I was becoming but the two were so foreign to each other that I wasn't sure what was left.  I didn't belong to the world of the girl I  used to be and I didn't want to explore the future with this new person.  She was a righteous failure.  She wasn't the happy go lucky girl that I knew and loved.  She couldn't even finish college in 4 years like everyone else on the planet. Which isn't true, we know.  But I spoke in absolutes for a while.  

That part of my life absolutely swam in absolutes. 

Onward.

Upward.

Things got better, little by little.  But not until I gave up on my stubbornness, resentment, and refusal to accept myself.  Both past and present.  It's hard to accept a different version of yourself, one you never saw coming.  But it's vital, accepting is vital.



So all this to say that Plan A, the plan that I didn't know I had, is dead and gone and may it rest in peace.

Things didn't go as planned and that was unfortunate but while I sitting there getting friendly with my negative thoughts, my life was passing me by.  Just like that!  Gone and away.  And if I let a setback dictate my whole being then who is really losing here?  It's not the people who "got it right" or God.  It's just not. And you don't really want it to.

And plan B isn't really a plan. Rather a concession to my linear thinking and my white-knuckle grasp on "the way it should be". Plan B isn't really a plan but it's a reminder to let it go.  A reminder to embrace life in it's insane, beautiful, and sometimes life changing turns. To have faith in God, even in those times when you can't see a single solitary reason for where he's put you.  For where you've found yourself.

I have since started seeing this as a growing experience.  And what a difference that has made. Who would have thought feeling strong could be a choice?  A simple mind shift.  You could choose which way you'd like to go and will it to be.  That is just amazing to me.

Some days it still bothers me.  Bothers me that things didn't go how I had planned them out.  But those thoughts don't hold near as much water as they used to.  The past doesn't hold as much.  I've learned to see the better in things and the future is far more exciting.

 

The One With the Personality Test

In continuing on with Blogtember,  I took this personality test over the weekend.  I tested as the ISFJ personality type which surprised me in absolutely no ways at all.

First of all, this is totally me.  I feel like they hit the nail on the head, so to speak.  I'm the generally introverted, largely in my own head, type of person.  I think a lot.  I take great pride in being needed, and I don't like to divulge anything that might make someone feel bad for me or otherwise uncomfortable.  I mentioned the results to Nick and he just smiled.  Apparently, he agrees.

They say that people of this personality type struggle with feeling unappreciated.  My first thought was no!  I don't!  Nick tells me how much he appreciates me on a daily basis!  But that's just the thing.  This really is a testament to N and how well he really gets me.

I'll have to thank him especially for that.  That wonderful man of mine.

When I think back on it, though, I remember those feelings of un-appreciation at my last job.  Which I hear, is just me being me!  I am not saying that they were warranted, just that they were there.  They followed suit and all.

And oh my, I am blaming things on my personality.

Another thing, I have a few close friends.  This has been true throughout my whole life.  When I was younger, I thought this was just because I was painfully shy.  I would get to the point where I hoped that I didn't have to talk to anyone in my classes!  The horror!  As I have gotten older, shy really isn't the word anymore, I'm just "quiet."  I choose what I want to say carefully as to emphasis exactly what I mean, without the superfluous words.

And instead of feeling like a have a few close friends because I am shy, it's because I have faith and I let things fall into place.  You just naturally click with some people.  And with others, things feel more forced.  I don't have the social energy to nudge a friendship into being.  If it doesn't fit naturally, chances are it will just make me feel anxious, like I am needing to provide "upkeep" on something.  Friendship should be effortless.  So, the friends I do have, they are perfect little corner pieces, and sky pieces that fit into whichever piece I am, ya know.  That's a puzzle reference.  Just to clarify.

This has been interesting in the blogging world.  Maybe we'll take twitter for example, I am tempted to just sit back and read the conversations.  This works in the real world, just being there, listening.  Because you are there, you've got a body in the situation and you have presence!  Online, if you aren't participating, it's as if you're not there at all.  Presence just isn't as passive behind that computer screen.

And a quick side note to say that I don't feel like this whole thing applies to my blogging personality, per se.  There should be separate blogging personality quiz because I don't even know about these things.  Or maybe this little ole thing is tweaking my personality in little ways... but that's for another time entirely.