This prompt really came at a good time. I have had this post just sitting in my drafts for a while because it makes me a little nervous. This is a little more personal that I usually post but I read something the other day that mentioned the good in posting things you're a little afraid of. And considering my personality from yesterday's post, this is a rather large step for me.
This life turn is a little broader, I think, it is about a span of a year or so in which my life took a turn, but there was a distinct moment when I realized it.
Also, I have apparently wrote you a novel...
See, I was a model student from kindergarten to senior year. I did some extra-curriculars, going to class wasn't hard, and things made more since than I knew how to handle. I floated through life easily, no thoughts to the contrary.
In college things started out this way. Things were good, progressing. I was on my own! It was wonderful and liberating. It was everything that it should be. And then, a few years in, things changed. My distinct moment was sitting in a class and just thinking that I could not be there. Couldn't stand to be there one minute longer. Didn't fit there. I left the class in a moment of flurried confusion and from then on out it was a hard fought battle between me and school and the anxiety I felt about nothing in particular. Everything in particular. That was the worst part. It was just there, rooted in nothing. Looming. Attached to nothing but ever present.
I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. Irresponsible. I wasn't doing good in school. Dumb. I didn't feel like leaving the house. Lazy. Those words were sharp.
This life turn is a little broader, I think, it is about a span of a year or so in which my life took a turn, but there was a distinct moment when I realized it.
Also, I have apparently wrote you a novel...
See, I was a model student from kindergarten to senior year. I did some extra-curriculars, going to class wasn't hard, and things made more since than I knew how to handle. I floated through life easily, no thoughts to the contrary.
In college things started out this way. Things were good, progressing. I was on my own! It was wonderful and liberating. It was everything that it should be. And then, a few years in, things changed. My distinct moment was sitting in a class and just thinking that I could not be there. Couldn't stand to be there one minute longer. Didn't fit there. I left the class in a moment of flurried confusion and from then on out it was a hard fought battle between me and school and the anxiety I felt about nothing in particular. Everything in particular. That was the worst part. It was just there, rooted in nothing. Looming. Attached to nothing but ever present.
I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. Irresponsible. I wasn't doing good in school. Dumb. I didn't feel like leaving the house. Lazy. Those words were sharp.
And here was the problem: identity crisis! My whole life I grew up a certain way. I grew up straight. No hiccups. I just didn't have any bumps along the way, ya know? I was the child who my parents expected the most out of. Im not trying to be whatever, it's just true. I was the book smart, overly cautious, (mostly), responsible to a fault, child.
And then I went to college. You go out in all your innocent glory and you laugh and study and find your happy self and walk gracefully out the other side, four years later, ready to take the world on. That's the norm and that was me. And that wasn't plan A, that was just the plan. Because why would you need a plan B when you have life planned out. And it's never been hard before.
You know, when you are you for your whole life, you get tunnel vision.
This is you. And that isn't you.
But you're looking in the mirror and seeing yourself, and you're sure its you, because you'd recognize that face anywhere.
And you're feeling the feelings and seeing yourself and you crumble just a bit because its coming together, is all.
What's hard is that things didn't feel like mine anymore. For a while, I didn't feel like mine anymore. I knew who I had been and I could see who I was becoming but the two were so foreign to each other that I wasn't sure what was left. I didn't belong to the world of the girl I used to be and I didn't want to explore the future with this new person. She was a righteous failure. She wasn't the happy go lucky girl that I knew and loved. She couldn't even finish college in 4 years like everyone else on the planet. Which isn't true, we know. But I spoke in absolutes for a while.
That part of my life absolutely swam in absolutes.
Onward.
Upward.
Things got better, little by little. But not until I gave up on my stubbornness, resentment, and refusal to accept myself. Both past and present. It's hard to accept a different version of yourself, one you never saw coming. But it's vital, accepting is vital.
So all this to say that Plan A, the plan that I didn't know I had, is dead and gone and may it rest in peace.
Things got better, little by little. But not until I gave up on my stubbornness, resentment, and refusal to accept myself. Both past and present. It's hard to accept a different version of yourself, one you never saw coming. But it's vital, accepting is vital.
So all this to say that Plan A, the plan that I didn't know I had, is dead and gone and may it rest in peace.
Things didn't go as planned and that was unfortunate but while I sitting there getting friendly with my negative thoughts, my life was passing me by. Just like that! Gone and away. And if I let a setback dictate my whole being then who is really losing here? It's not the people who "got it right" or God. It's just not. And you don't really want it to.
And plan B isn't really a plan. Rather a concession to my linear thinking and my white-knuckle grasp on "the way it should be". Plan B isn't really a plan but it's a reminder to let it go. A reminder to embrace life in it's insane, beautiful, and sometimes life changing turns. To have faith in God, even in those times when you can't see a single solitary reason for where he's put you. For where you've found yourself.
I have since started seeing this as a growing experience. And what a difference that has made. Who would have thought feeling strong could be a choice? A simple mind shift. You could choose which way you'd like to go and will it to be. That is just amazing to me.
I have since started seeing this as a growing experience. And what a difference that has made. Who would have thought feeling strong could be a choice? A simple mind shift. You could choose which way you'd like to go and will it to be. That is just amazing to me.
Some days it still bothers me. Bothers me that things didn't go how I had planned them out. But those thoughts don't hold near as much water as they used to. The past doesn't hold as much. I've learned to see the better in things and the future is far more exciting.
