Wednesday, February 12, 2014
I wonder a lot about the future. I wonder where I will be in five years and what group of friends I'll have, and whether or not I will have developed that love of cooking that I so wish I had. I wonder about my dreams and how they will be the same and different and how close my brothers and I will be as "real" adults and a whole number of other things.
I'm in a season of life where, for the first time, things don't seem so planned out.
I thought I would be married and working as a lawyer (yep, childhood dream right there!) and getting ready to have kids at twenty-five. This isn't a pity party, I am not sad about where I am. In fact I feel good, I feel wonderful and excited. It's empowering to realize that you've broken away from something familiar, set new sights, and are thriving. I exchanged the plans I had then for the dreams I have now. I wouldn't change that either, not for a moment. And that is why. This invigorating feeling of being close to my own heart, is why.
It's just the uncertainty, that is where I'm caught.
I don't even know if I am going to live in my same house in a few months. It's not because I can't re-sign my lease or because I can't afford my rent. It's because the endless flow of possibility has me feeling overwhelmed and excited at the very same time. I could stay here or I could go anywhere else. It's both liberating and unnerving.
That's when a thought comes to mind: maybe there is something that I just can't see. Maybe I need this.
Sometime in the thick of things and feelings I get bogged down and it is hard to see anything but my immediate issues in all the fog. Or immediate joys. But I have it, that belief that things happen for a reason. I don't think that anything is for nothing. I think there is a solid reason behind even the most horrible experiences and the most beautiful joys.
What I really want is to see. I want to take a step back and really be able to focus on what this season of life is instilling in me, what it is all about. I hope to be able to see the beauty in the process and focus less on the wonderings.
And honestly, it's all in faith. There are times, even when I try to focus with an open heart, I still can't see the big plan, and that is my frustrating reality. Some days. But faith, this is what I find myself calling on more and more. I'm trusting that this season is one of transformation and that I couldn't possibly get to where I am going without first going through a little uncertainty. Even when I can't see it, I trust that my life is being shaped in ways I couldn't possibly conduct myself.
So for now… I working towards the things that I know I want in my future, the things that I can create for myself. And the rest will fall in to place in their own time.