Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Being Uncertain


I wonder a lot about the future.  I wonder where I will be in five years and what group of friends I'll have, and whether or not I will have developed that love of cooking that I so wish I had.  I wonder about my dreams and how they will be the same and different and how close my brothers and I will be as "real" adults and a whole number of other things.

I'm in a season of life where, for the first time, things don't seem so planned out.

I thought I would be married and working as a lawyer (yep, childhood dream right there!) and getting ready to have kids at twenty-five.  This isn't a pity party, I am not sad about where I am.  In fact I feel good, I feel wonderful and excited.  It's empowering to realize that you've broken away from something familiar, set new sights, and are thriving.  I exchanged the plans I had then for the dreams I have now. I wouldn't change that either, not for a moment.  And that is why.  This invigorating feeling of being close to my own heart, is why.

It's just the uncertainty, that is where I'm caught.

I don't even know if I am going to live in my same house in a few months. It's not because I can't re-sign my lease or because I can't afford my rent.  It's because the endless flow of possibility has me feeling overwhelmed and excited at the very same time.  I could stay here or I could go anywhere else.  It's both liberating and unnerving.

That's when a thought comes to mind: maybe there is something that I just can't see.  Maybe I need this.

Sometime in the thick of things and feelings I get bogged down and it is hard to see anything but my immediate issues in all the fog.  Or immediate joys.  But I have it, that belief that things happen for a reason.  I don't think that anything is for nothing.  I think there is a solid reason behind even the most horrible experiences and the most beautiful joys.

What I really want is to see.  I want to take a step back and really be able to focus on what this season of life is instilling in me, what it is all about.  I hope to be able to see the beauty in the process and focus less on the wonderings.

And honestly, it's all in faith.  There are times, even when I try to focus with an open heart, I still can't see the big plan, and that is my frustrating reality. Some days.  But faith, this is what I find myself calling on more and more.  I'm trusting that this season is one of transformation and that I couldn't possibly get to where I am going without first going through a little uncertainty.  Even when I can't see it, I trust that my life is being shaped in ways I couldn't possibly conduct myself.

So for now… I working towards the things that I know I want in my future, the things that I can create for myself.  And the rest will fall in to place in their own time.

16 comments:

  1. I feel the same way. Not knowing what the future holds is both so scary and so exciting. It's exciting being so young and having the whole world out there to explore and so many possibilities!

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  2. Being such a planner, the future for me is always a scary thing. But, I am also learning that everything is a lesson, good or bad. I learn and grow and change and like myself more and more all the time, and that's all so important... Great post!

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  3. I think if someone had told me at 25 that I would quit my career and move to Taiwan to be a housewife/blogger/writer I would have died laughing. but at 28 I'm so glad that I took the chance and did. letting go of plans can be painful but I'm so glad you're leaning to embrace it!

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  4. Oh I'm ALWAYS looking to the future; what I want to be doing in one year, three years, five years. I know it alllllllllllllllllllll. Is it going to happen that way? Well...probably not but it's like to think that we have concrete plans in life ;) I think it's good to know your "end goal" but the journey itself can be an adventure. You're 100% right about everything falling into place. It'll either happen so slowly that you didn't know what was going on OR it will hit you all at once. Life is full of endless possibilities. I love the little quote by C.S. Lewis as well. My favorite.

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  5. I've never really had a life plan, or big life ambitions so I somewhat just go with the flow and being 27 i'm still happy with it being that way. But if you'd of told me i'd of moved countries i'd of given you an odd look.

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  6. I love this! Words can't even describe how much I relate to this. I'm a "planner" and recently, I realized that the "plan" I've been working on for the past 8 years isn't the plan I want anymore. So in a way, it's sad and it makes me angry and I want to scream. But then, I realize that it is such a blessing to not be tied into some set structure at 27 and I'm grateful for it and excited to begin the next plan... the next dream.

    But like you said, no matter what, it will all fall into place. It will.

    -Kate
    www.theflorkens.com

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  7. Thanks Kate! I totally agree, sometimes it is so frustrating but it's also so liberating to realize that I don't have to stick to a plan that I don't want anymore! I definitely have faith that it'll fall into place :)

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  8. That's great! I feel like I am becoming more of a go-with-the-flow type of person and it feels nice!

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  9. Absolutely! I love everything that you said :) I am such a planner so sometimes it is hard for me to let go, but I am learning. I need to focus more on the journey and stop worrying so dang much. Thanks for your sweet words!

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  10. Thank you Jamie! I'm learning to embrace it and I think blogging has helped me do that! Reading stories like yours has reminded me how taking the path less traveled can really be a wonderful way around.

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  11. Thank you! You're definitely right! I like myself more and more as I grow and change too, so that must mean something good is coming of it all :)

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  12. It is! It's crazy how scary/exciting not knowing what your plans are but it's strangely fulfilling at the same time.

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  13. Thanks for writing this! I can definitely relate and I am so glad to know I'm not alone! <3

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  14. Yeah, the future really is a big place, and you never know where it's going to go! I just wanted to say I nominated you for the food tag! Here's how you participate: http://olivia-savannah.blogspot.nl/2014/03/the-food-tag.html

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