Being Uncertain

I wonder a lot about the future.  I wonder where I will be in five years and what group of friends I'll have, and whether or not I will have developed that love of cooking that I so wish I had.  I wonder about my dreams and how they will be the same and different and how close my brothers and I will be as "real" adults and a whole number of other things.

I'm in a season of life where, for the first time, things don't seem so planned out.

I thought I would be married and working as a lawyer (yep, childhood dream right there!) and getting ready to have kids at twenty-five.  This isn't a pity party, I am not sad about where I am.  In fact I feel good, I feel wonderful and excited.  It's empowering to realize that you've broken away from something familiar, set new sights, and are thriving.  I exchanged the plans I had then for the dreams I have now. I wouldn't change that either, not for a moment.  And that is why.  This invigorating feeling of being close to my own heart, is why.

It's just the uncertainty, that is where I'm caught.

I don't even know if I am going to live in my same house in a few months. It's not because I can't re-sign my lease or because I can't afford my rent.  It's because the endless flow of possibility has me feeling overwhelmed and excited at the very same time.  I could stay here or I could go anywhere else.  It's both liberating and unnerving.

That's when a thought comes to mind: maybe there is something that I just can't see.  Maybe I need this.

Sometime in the thick of things and feelings I get bogged down and it is hard to see anything but my immediate issues in all the fog.  Or immediate joys.  But I have it, that belief that things happen for a reason.  I don't think that anything is for nothing.  I think there is a solid reason behind even the most horrible experiences and the most beautiful joys.

What I really want is to see.  I want to take a step back and really be able to focus on what this season of life is instilling in me, what it is all about.  I hope to be able to see the beauty in the process and focus less on the wonderings.

And honestly, it's all in faith.  There are times, even when I try to focus with an open heart, I still can't see the big plan, and that is my frustrating reality. Some days.  But faith, this is what I find myself calling on more and more.  I'm trusting that this season is one of transformation and that I couldn't possibly get to where I am going without first going through a little uncertainty.  Even when I can't see it, I trust that my life is being shaped in ways I couldn't possibly conduct myself.

So for now… I working towards the things that I know I want in my future, the things that I can create for myself.  And the rest will fall in to place in their own time.